I’m reasonably sure I’ve thought myself into a curious form of insanity; or, a curious new reality. Let me explain:
I’ve, over the years, spent large amounts of time studying perception, specifically the idea that the world as commonly expressed and apprehended is only one variant of many available. This view was instilled/grown in me through: a few years of doing psychedelics in my teens and early twenties; two years of daily meditation often times using subharmonic brain waves generators; and massive amounts of reading, lately taking the form of books by Dr. Robert Anton Wilson. I’ve found myself discovering new ideas that I believe, and am not sure when they appeared. For instance: about 2 years ago I realized I no longer believed in science as firmly as I had previously; especially after reading about the variations in what are called “constants”. The other day I thought to myself that I’m not as death obsessed as I was. I used to fear death as this unknown. Now, I think it an anomaly to be figured out later, or never. I’ve never feared 1978, two years before I started to exist. Why should I fear 20XX, two years after I cease to?
Two nights ago I was sitting at a bar reading, and saw newly minted bills being laid down upon the bar. In my head, for a moment, I saw them as a new currency I’d never seen before, a new face in place of Washington’s, and I was not affected. I took it as natural as I would if I’d seen a Jackson twenty or a Canadian quarter. Earlier that evening I welled up watching a Wes Anderson movie, as is my habit. I think those two things are related.
I’ve found myself almost completely rid of conditioning which formed my old world view; I’ve found myself running without direction of causation. I rather like it, I think. Though, I’m reasonably sure I’m now considered insane.
Some guy, let’s call him Larry, once asked the Buddha: “Are you God?”. Buddha said, “No Larry, I am not God”. So Larry asks: “Are you a saint?”. Buddha hits back with, “No, I’m not a saint”. Larry, at this point a little ornery and out of ideas, asks, “What are you?”. So Buddha says “I am awake”. I think I’m starting to understand that, just a little.

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