Christ I feel thin lately, and not in a good way. I’m just stretched out and little spots of light are shining through the fabric. It’s like a half step away from weeping at any given moment. I went to the grocery earlier and almost broke down because I couldn’t find onion powder and this little girl kept walking by me as if the universe needed a more obvious sign post that I’m unmarried, alone, and nearly broken because the fucking onion powder isn’t in alphabetical order.
My dreams keep trying to kill me with their constant reminders of past loves and all the things I keep leaving in my wake of insecurity and anxious moments. I haven’t written a word all year that’s worth a shit and I’m about a week away from shaving my head and running away from home. I wouldn’t know where to go though since I don’t really think of this as home. I don’t think of anyplace as home, but last night there was this warmth from a girl I know, but it wasn’t for me. I feel really thin lately and I keep buying lotto tickets to make it go away. Does that make sense? I think it does. I think that buying just a few minutes of hope is worth going further and further into poverty.
I watched “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” again the other night, which was a bad idea. That scene where Kirsten Dunst is dancing with the tech guy makes me really lonesome these days; even more so than the other obvious tear jerking bits of that film. I started whinging instead of whining,like the English do, because I think it makes me more charming in my break down.
Anyone out there give a shit about this? Or is this just for me? The program that tells me who reads this things says that I have a few regulars, do they care? I just feel really fucking thin these days and I’m out of ideas.
E-mail me if you’re alive: 1angryanthropoid at gmail dot com